Top 25 Best Dating Sites of 2011

Jordan Orleans is a painter and visual artist who produces love, sexuality, and humanity themed pop and abstract art. It’s narrative-based, so he looks to tell a good story with an image and a title.  Jordan Orleans shared with us about his art, his process, the ways in which art … Read More →

Rachel Kramer Bussel is a New York-based author, editor, blogger and event organizer. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and writes the Secrets of a Sex Writer column for SexIs Magazine. She has written for numerous publications, including Alternative Press, CNN.com, The Daily Beast, The Frisky, Gothamist, The Hairpin, … Read More →

Mary Lee Levitan is a certified life coachwho works with people to identify and reach their goals, whether those be personal, professional, financial or other. Mary spoke with us about the process of life coaching and how it can help someone who is dating.

 First, tell me what life coaching is.

Life Coaching is a trusted partnership between coach and client focusing on personal development, professional success and intentional living.  This transformative process enables you to clarify your thoughts, establish specific goals, design a plan of action and commit to moving forward. A skilled coach knows the right questions to ask and has the right tools and techniques to empower you to find your best answers within yourself.  We also offer support, encouragement, outside resources and inspiration.

What made you want to become a life coach?

I became a Certified Life Coach because I really enjoy meeting and helping people in a one-on-one personal way. I also became a Certified NLP Practitioner (Neuro Linguistic Programming) because I believe in the power of words, those that we speak to each other and those that we say to ourselves.  I have done quite a bit of training in the volunteer world and raised two children, so it was an easy transition for me to step into the coaching dynamic. My family would tell you that I needed a broader audience to give advice to.
How is coaching different than therapy?                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Life Coaching is a profession that is fundamentally different from therapy, or counseling. Counseling often starts with the supposition that something is “wrong” or “broken” and needs to be fixed in order for you to move forward. Life coaching begins with the belief that you are whole, healthy and strong and that you are able, willing and ready to enter into an examination of what is going on right now, discovering what your obstacles or challenges might be, and choosing a course of action to make your life be what you want it to be.

Who is a typical person that would benefit from life coaching?

Everyone can benefit from life coaching in some way. There are clients who are feeling stuck and directionless, and they need some guidance in recognizing and articulating what their goals are. There are clients who have a goal and direction in mind, but are unable to see the individual steps that they need to take in order to achieve their goals. There are clients who know the goals and the steps, but lack the tools, motivation and/or accountability to make progress on their own. And there are also clients who seem to be doing everything right, but find that a life coach stretches them to think more strategically about what is next, and next and next.

Would life coaching be appropriate for someone who wants to have more success in dating? If so, how could it help?

Absolutely! A Life Coach can help you identify and communicate exactly what your dating goal is as well as collaborate with you to design a specific and personal action plan that results in success. Life coaching can also help you illuminate any internal beliefs or stumbling blocks that may be holding you back. Typical issues might be:  a lack of self confidence, negative self talk, fear of rejection, being shy, or being anxious about unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations.
What are three things a life coach might tell someone who is not having luck dating?
One of the most important areas that I tend to focus on with my clients is having a positive self-image and being confident. I work with my clients to help them identify their individual talents and skills and then translate those abilities into a strong sense of self worth. I also help them recognize and then eliminate ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) and facilitate change in the conversation inside their head. Specifically for dating, some of the basic NLP techniques are invaluable. You can learn how to read body language, and going deeper, how to identify if someone is visual, auditory or kinesthetic.  Once you have that information, you can tailor your conversation in such a way that it appeals to their specific style, and they are more responsive to you and see you in a more positive light.

 
I seem to be attracting the same type of guy/girl who is not good for me. Can coaching help me find a more suitable match?

Yes, definitely. Coaching can help you identify what your core values are and what values you believe to be important in another person.  Life Coaching can give you helpful tools to develop your skills in observing and understanding other people, in speaking your truth, in standing firm in your beliefs and in holding you accountable for your choices.
If I want to hire a coach to help me have better success in dating, what are some things I should look for?
Life Coaching is about a relationship between coach and client based on honesty and trust. In order for you to receive the maximum benefit from the coaching process, it is important to feel comfortable with your coach and to be able to be open and honest about what is happening in your life. A skilled coach is a good listener and understands that you, the client, are the only expert in your life who truly knows who you are and what you need. If a coach tells you that they have the answers to all of your problems, then they are not coaching. Life coaching will help you tap into your own inner resources and learn how to make choices that create a successful, balanced and rewarding life.

Mary Lee Levitan
about.me/sayyeslifecoaching
 

Brad began his dating blog because he couldn’t find the kind of information he wanted on the internet. After a lot of trial and error in online dating, Brad finally found success and even met his now wife. Brad took to blogging to share his experiences with others.

What inspired you to create the blog Little Red Rails?

I was motivated to create a blog about online dating because I was frustrated with my struggle to find free, helpful, honest advice when I was dating online. It seemed that a lot of the advice I found was more concerned with getting me to purchase something and was less concerned with actually helping me. I wanted to provide advice that was 100% free because that’s what I wanted to find when I was dating online.

I was also motivated by the fact that I was helping many of my friends one-on-one in regards to trying or being more successful with online dating based on my personal experience using it.

You say it took you nine months before you figured out how to date successfully on line. Why do you think it took you so long to figure it out and what can we do to be more successful sooner?

I think for me personally, I was too slow to admit when something wasn’t working. I also think there is just a natural learning process that will take time, although the amount of time will vary from person to person. Obviously, on the first day of my ninth month of dating online, I didn’t suddenly start to have success. It was a more gradual process as I was learning about what I was doing wrong and right.

Asking how to have success sooner may not be the best first question for someone new to online dating to ask. Perhaps a better question would be, “How can I remain persistent with dating online even when I’m not having the success I would like to have?” I see too many people give up too quickly. On the face of things, online dating sounds like it should be very simple. When people then struggle, they see themselves as failures and abandon it too quickly. I think admitting from the very beginning that dating online may not be easy is a great first step in improving our chances for success.

That said, if I was going to offer general advice on having success sooner, I would recommend an openness to trying different approaches when you don’t have success. I see people who take an approach and when that approach doesn’t work, they take that same exact approach again the next time. I was guilty of this as well and instead of changing, many of us get angry at online dating. I’ve found many of these people seek out advice but reject that advice if it doesn’t fit in with what they are already doing. I think this is self-defeating and I believe being open to changing our approach can go a long way.

You admit to being shy. What advice do you have for the shy guy or gal dater?

There’s a lot that could be discussed here so I’ll just touch on a few ideas!

First, I think online dating is great for shy people because there is a lot of control around initial communication, which can be a huge hurdle. I definitely felt nervous the first time I contacted a woman online but it was nowhere near what I would have felt in person. I think for most shy people, things become more difficult when you start to meet in person.

To help with that, I would recommend concentrating on working towards being more comfortable with your first dates. I think this is a bit different than saying “just be more confident”, which is pretty common advice that can be very hard for a shy person to follow. Often advice on confidence suggests an entire personality change or at least faking having a different personality. Aside from being very difficult and a bit dishonest, it’s an unattractive option for those of us who enjoy being introverts. For me, I wanted to find someone who wanted to date me, even if I’m not out-going.

Most shy people have areas of their life where they can be quite extroverted, normally because they are very comfortable in that situation. I guess you could say most shy people still have situational confidence. For example, a businessman may struggle to introduce himself to someone new in his personal life but this same man can walk into meeting of 350 people and give a killer presentation. If we can work towards making online dating one of those areas where we have a great deal of comfort, I think we can increase our success without having to change our personality or pretend to be something we’re not.

Being more comfortable can be as simple as meeting in a quiet coffee shop even though your friends may be having all their first dates at bars or clubs. It could be meeting at a park over lunch instead of starting out with dinner and a movie. Each person will be different but you should be totally comfortable with where and how you are meeting.

Also, I think we need to be willing to actively meet people, even people that aren’t perfect or exactly what we are looking for. I think this is true for everyone dating online, but it is especially important for the shy person because limiting the number of dates you go on will be an impediment to becoming more comfortable with dating. Too many people take the approach of trying to find the perfect person and then dating them. I think a better approach is to date a lot of people and eventually find the perfect person. This second method allows us to become quite comfortable with dating. It also helps us learn what works or what doesn’t work and over time it helps reduce the stress of first dates. This in turn helps us better represent who we are on our first dates.

One of the frustrating parts of online dating, is seeing the same profiles over and over again when you sign on. How can people get a more diverse dating pool?

As with the previous question, I feel that many people dating online are extremely selective in whom they will talk to and enforce more restrictions on their options than is healthy. Some people end up paying for a dating service that they hardly use. As I moved through my online dating experience, I began to be much more accepting and looked at a date like a date. I stopped making one date into something bigger than it actually was and I started to meet a lot of women. For me, this change improved everything about online dating. I went from hating what I felt was my only option to find someone to loving meeting people and enjoying dating online. So sometimes just the way we look at who we will communicate with can greatly increase our dating pool options.

That said, I realize many people don’t like that answer or they may be open to dating lots of people but still feel they have limited options. So another approach is to be open about your online dating life with your friends. I know it sounds trivial and that it can be very difficult to do but I found that when I was open with my friends about using online dating, I suddenly had half-a-dozen matchmakers all trying to help me meet their friend or their cousin or whoever. I’d often get the “I didn’t know you were looking to date” response.

I think online dating is great but if our options are limited there, I don’t think we should ignore other ways to meet people. I found being open about online dating to be very helpful in improving my offline dating opportunities. My friends now knew I was looking and they went out of their way to try to help. Plus, when I started to have a lot of success and was going on multiple first dates a week, all my friends thought I was a player. Which I’m totally not but it was still fun to be the guy who was seen as the one who had no problem with dating.

Obviously, I could also suggest signing up for more services and that can help but I’m not convinced that’s what most of us are looking to hear when asking this kind of question.

There are so many people to choose from on dating sites. How do I decide who to ask out?

Sort of a contrast the previous question! To keep with my theme on willingness to date, I would say to remember that a date is just a date. It’s not a huge commitment. It’s a chance to meet someone new. Just because I send Sally an email doesn’t mean I can’t contact Jane. If I found them both interesting, I’d contact them both. The same goes for first dates. Just because I ask one woman out doesn’t mean I can’t ask another on a date. I don’t think it’s an either/or situation.

Also, the most obvious answer would be to contact those people who have the qualities we’re looking for. However, a lot of us have trouble defining what we’re looking for. We may not know what we want the person we date to be like, even if we don’t want to admit it. So, again, I think the more people you date, the more you will be able to refine exactly what it is that you are looking for. My list of desires was a lot different at the start of my dating life than it was at the end. I was the same person; I just understood better what it was I wanted in a relationship with the help of all the women I met.

If things don’t go well on the first date, you say it’s dubious that you can make it up later. Do you have any tips for making the first date go smoothly?

One thing that’s great about online dating that’s different from a blind date is you are starting with a lot of information about the person you are meeting. This gives you a great opportunity to plan what you’ll discuss on your first date. I think this is particularly useful early on in your dating life as your nerves might get the best of you and you can find yourself spending too much time in uncomfortable silence.

I’ve found some people think the idea of planning conversations an unromantic one. A lot of us want to believe that with a great relationship, there will be chemistry from the very first moment. I understand that thinking but I think it is incorrect. You may not have great chemistry until the third date or you might be so excited to meet a perfect match that your brain shuts down and you can’t think of anything to talk about at all. I found great success with planning to the point that I would always memorize short lists of things I wanted to talk about.

Also, while planning is great, if you are on a really good date you’ll see the conversation take on a life of its own. At that point, you have found that immediate chemistry we all hope for so go ahead abandon all those plans and just go with the flow. Planning is good but forcing what you planned into the conversation is a mistake if it turns out those plans aren’t needed.

You have an ebook that is free on your site. Do you have any plans in the works for another book?

I don’t have any immediate plans to write another book although I do try to add to my ebook from time to time as I cover more topics on my blog.

Now that you’re married, are you going to start writing a marriage success blog?

Wow! I honestly never thought about doing that. While I’d consider my marriage to be successful, I still feel like I’m spending a lot of time figuring things out! Relationships are…complicated! Perhaps someday I’ll branch off into that topic but I have no plans to do so in the immediate future. For some reason I can’t shake image from my mind of my wife laughing over the suggestion!

On the eve of her 31^st birthday, Tamara Duricka Johnson had just ended a relationship and started to wonder, “Is it me, or are there just no good men out there?” She decided to shake things up in her dating world and agreed to date 30 men in 30 days. For her 31^st date, she would ask one of the guys on a second date. She blogged about the process as it was happening and then wrote the book 31 Dates in 31 Days.

The book has become a best-seller and won the Readers’ Choice Award from About.com Dating site. Tamara talks to us about her dating experiment, how it’s inspired others to take on similar challenges and what she hopes others learn from her experience.

When I started your book, I thought I was going to read a bunch of night mare dating stories. But instead, most of your experiences were amazingly positive. To what do you attribute that?  
I’d grown entirely too cynical in my dating life. I’d gone through too many tough breakups. I thought there were no good men left. In many ways, I was angry at men, thinking that the battle of the sexes was a lifelong war of love and heartbreak. But somewhere deep down, I had a teeny tiny ounce of hope. I thought, “What would happen if I just tried something different?”
I needed to look at dating differently for the sake of my future self. When it came to the dates, I did my best to maintain a positive attitude. As you see in the book, some dates were easier to remain positive than others.

Yet, as I was reading, I couldn’t help but think of reality TV shows like The Bachelor and Marry a Millionaire. What do you think of the reality TV show approach to finding a husband?
Having worked in television for thirteen years and doing my best to entice viewers to watch my shows, I admit, I’ve loved watching some of those shows. In fact, when The Bachelor first hit airwaves, my girl friends from my TV news crew would come over after work and we’d all watch the show together, making bets on who would receive the final rose. We rooted for the good girls and gasped at the gossip. Part of me was appalled at the show’s approach, the other part was intrigued. It was great television.

If you hadn’t met the man you married while dating 30 guys, would you have considered your experiment a success?

I had no intention of finding a husband or even getting a boyfriend. My intention for this entire project was solely to learn. I wanted to be a better dater. I wanted to monitor my dating habits to see where I’d gone wrong in the past. In many ways, I looked at my 31 Dates in 31 Days as my real-life classroom on love, or a ”masters class on men.” I looked at every date as a small lesson on men and dating. I wasn’t looking to throw men under the bus. I’d done that my entire dating life. This time, I needed to do things differently if I were going to learn anything.
Changing my attitude and my approach changed my life. I looked at men, dating, love, everyone in my life differently than before – including myself. Who would have thought that dating could be such a game changer? (not me!) Finding a boyfriend - even a husband – was way beyond my expectations. It’s helped me learn to welcome the surprises in life without expecting them.

Most dating experts suggest going out for coffee or a simple drink for the first date, yet all of your dates were doing fun things like ice skating, museums and a Broadway play. I guess 30 nights of cocktails and coffee would get pretty boring, but what do you think of the “keep it simple” advice?
I’m all for keeping it simple. In fact, when friends ask for dating advice, I tend to urge them to get out of the chatrooms and into the coffee house. Before my project, I’d thought of a “date” as something bigger than it really was. Back then I’d considered it a minor commitment of saying, “I find you interesting enough to spend time with you in person.” Now I look at a “date” as just a meet-and-greet. It has some element of newness. It doesn’t need to be fancy.
For my dating project, I chose to go on fun dates for a couple reasons. First, I didn’t want to do the same thing over and over again for thirty days. Can you imagine going out to dinner and feeling like you’re being interrogated over pasta primavera every night – for a month? How boring. Not to mention the growing waistline.
Second, I wasn’t really anticipating actually liking any of the guys. So I made my New York City Bucket List, looked for great deals to keep the cost low (since I was offering to pay), and I decided that if I didn’t enjoy the guy I was with, at least I’d be doing something fun around the city.

If someone wants to start a dating project of their own, what advice would you give them?
I’ve actually helped dozens of people around the country do their own dating projects. I call it my “Dating Boot Camp.” I even offer a workbook and some coaching to people who’ve read the book and are interested in changing their own dating lives. Some people have chosen to simply go out on more dates than before while others have taken on longer, calculated formats like my 31 Dates in 31 Days. I write about their experiences on my website, http://31datesin31days.com

But people don’t need to do a huge dating project to date differently. I believe it begins with the attitude we have about dating. That word, “date,” carries so much heaviness with it. Before I started my project, I’d had an average of three first dates a year. From that, I’d jump into relationships, remembering that my next potential date would be eons away. Had I gone on more simple first dates, I don’t think I’d have wasted so much time investing in longer relationships with the wrong guys.

None of your dates came from online dating sites. Yet online dating seems like it would be one of the easiest ways to find a lot of different people to date. Is there a reason you didn’t go this route? What do you think of online dating? 
When I first began the project, I actually anticipated most of my dates would come from online dating. I’d even signed up for a few sites. I’d mention to every guy I contacted that I was hoping to go out on a series of “G-Rated” dates over the next few weeks. None of them seemed interested. In fact, most of them hinted that they were looking for a hookup. And that wasn’t what I was looking for. I was grateful that my friends came through with guys instead.
By the time I began my project, a few guys actually found me through my blog, where I kept short, simple entries about each date. I went out with a few of those guys, who happened to be very active in online dating. I’m a huge fan of internet dating sites. I think they’re great for finding people to meet and set up first dates.

Speed dating is a great way to meet a bunch of potential dating partners in one evening. You could spend weeks or months looking for appropriate dating partners and meeting people from online dating sites, or in one evening, you could get to know 10 or more people for quick mini-dates. Pre-Dating is one of the country’s largest speed dating events with events in most cities in the United States. I spoke with Betsy Portland, the coordinator from Portland, OR about what people need to know about Speed Dating before attending an event.

How does someone prepare for a speed dating event?

There are a few steps most daters should consider taking to prepare for a Speed Dating Event.

One of our number one questions is “What do I wear?!”  The simple answer is “Business casual, or something you would wear on a first date. Obviously do not wear sweat pants and flip flops but also do not pull out your old prom suit/dress!” For men, either a nice pair of jeans or slacks matched with a nice pair of shoes and a button down collared shirt is appropriate. For women, a cocktail dress or slacks and a presentable blouse is encouraged.

Another commonly asked question is “What do I talk about?!” Since you only have six minutes per date, it is wise to think of your top THREE deal breakers. Whether it has to do with Smoking, kids, or even being active, daters want to make sure they are getting the highest quality matches as opposed to quantity.

Finally, just like any other “first date” experience, it is normal to feel a bit nervous or apprehensive during the initial meeting. These nerves tend to come from the expectation of a second date. “Am I talking about the right thing”, “Am I attractive enough?”, etc. Yes, these thoughts go through all of our minds! Instead of worrying about the future, think of the present, and look at the person across from you as one of three things, a new friend to hit the town with, a business contact, or, a possible romantic connection moving forward.

There are many speed dating companies. What should I look for when choosing an event?

Since everyone is busy and our time is valuable, you should look for companies with a long history of doing speed dating events as well as what their track record is as far as holding events they post online. Upstart companies don’t realize it takes a lot to fill an event. You don’t want to register for an event only to have it be cancelled or postponed repeatedly. See if you can contact the event coordinator or customer service. The companies that are available and responsive tend to be the best. The ones with no way to contact them other than online tend to be the most unreliable. Once you are comfortable with the company, make sure there are events for your age and interest group as well as ensure the event is in your city. Also, the event venue can be important, so look for companies that choose more upscale venues. In addition to this, check their cancellation policy if they have one listed. Many upstart companies will not refund your money in the case they postpone, instead, they move you to another date without the possibility of reimbursement.

Pre-Dating has been doing singles events for 10 years and is the largest speed dating company in the country for busy single professionals. Our focus is ensuring the events we post are held and are well attended. However, when we do have to postpone an event for whatever reason, we do allow for a refund or an event rain-check if the participant is unable to make the new event date. Since dating is a numbers game, we know event goers want to meet a lot of people (but not too many) in one evening. Pre-Dating is known to hold one of the highest percentages of events that we schedule of any national speed dating company. Your time is valuable and we recognize that.

What are three factors that determine success at a speed dating event?

Ability to carry a conversation, be relaxed and have fun.

I notice the dates are broken down by age brackets. What if I want to dateoutside of my age-range?

Contact the company to see what their policy is. Some allow it some don’t. Some allow one or two exceptions but not too many.

Pre-Dating’s policy is to allow 1-2 exceptions to an age group but limit it to that number and roughly 5 years above or below the stated age group to ensure the majority of attendees meet people within the age group. This offers the most flexibility while not compromising overall event quality or expectations of event goers.

Is there any way to predict what two people might be interested in each other?

The reality is until two people meet face to face and have a conversation, you just don’t know who will like who. Many people have attended speed dating events who looked at the room and said or thought “there’s no one here for me” and then they end up circling one or two people (or more).

What are some things that make one person stand out from the rest in speed dating?

Being themselves. Showing confidence and poise also attributes to better success. Many times, surprisingly (or not), physical attractiveness does not mean more matches or success. In speed dating, the number one driver of success or “standing out” is your ability to showcase your personality.

Can you really tell if you’re going to get along with someone in six minutes?

Sometimes, but more often than not, it’s more about knowing who isn’t a good match. Then it’s just a matter of after the 6 minutes deciding who you want to get to know better.

They say one of the best ways to meet someone for dating is through mutual interests. One of the best ways to meet others with like interests these days is via MeetUp groups.

The great thing about MeetUps is that you can find or start one no matter where you live or what your interests are. Or, you can do what our guest today did—start a MeetUp for anyone. Tom Deus and a friend started the “Anyone Can Join” MeetUp group in Portland, OR. The group has close to 3,000 members and plenty of activities to choose from—live music, dancing, hiking, happy hours, football games and open mic nights.

We spoke with Tom Deus about the “Anyone Can Join” MeetUp group and how MeetUps are changing the world of dating.

You have a very successful Meet-Up group with almost 3,000 members in Portland, Oregon. Why did you decide to form the “Anyone Can Join” Meetup group?
Darren and I started the group for two reasons. The first is we love sharing all the things we’ve discovered with other people. Second, we were tired of trying to coordinate busy schedules with friends, so we figured we’d just post what we are doing and make the people who showed up our friends. It’s been the best relationship, one made up of many people contributing and participating with very little expectation other than that we have a good time when we see each other.

What is the key to running a successful Meetup group?
Anarchy. I say that with a certain degree of seriousnous. We have no rules or administrative body to complicate having fun; just a collection of positive people who want to do activities together.
Though having multiple leaders was not something we originally intended, we quickly realized the diversity and frequency that was brought to our event offerings by having so many leaders. It also meant that we didn’t get burnt out trying to run the group with just the two of us.
To a lesser degree, but also important, is that we are pretty quick to remove members who are not good with boundaries, whether that’s predatory behavior, unsolicited marketing or general negativity.

I met a couple at a Christmas party who met in your Meetup group. Is Meetup a good way to meet someone for dating?
For the kind of relationship I value, MeetUp is the ideal setting to meet someone for dating. I like to take my time to get to know someone before I date them, and MeetUp is a perfect venue to get to know someone without the pressures and expectations inherent in being on a date. Besides, you have the added benefit of knowing that the person shares your interest in similar activities if you’re at the same event.

Are there certain “dos” and “don’t” when it comes to dating another member of your MeetUp group?
Well, there are a good number of people who just disappear for a few months while they are dating each other, but those who continue to participate in the group tend to keep a low profile on their relationship. That’s not to say they hide it, but people do like to have something to gossip about, so the more obvious you are, the more people are going to talk about it. Besides, if things don’t work out, you don’t want people to avoid you because they don’t want to upset your previous partner.
I think it’s important to keep in mind that this group is a single community, and isolating yourself as a couple or clique takes away from your potential to experience the diversity a group has to offer.

What happens when a couple who are both involved in the MeetUp break up?
Most are mature adults and just move on to meeting someone else or join a different group. The worst thing you can do is to vent to other group members about another member, and that is one of the things that will get you removed from the group. For the most part, most people make their own responsible decisions as adults, and I rarely have to deal with this.

What makes someone a good MeetUp member?
As a leader, making sure that everyone is welcomed to an event. We have a lot of new people show up all the time, and it’s important that they feel it is an easy group to fit into. As a member, showing up for events you RSVP for. The leaders put a lot of work, and sometimes money, into these events so it’s important that people follow through on their commitments or update their RSVP if they cannot.
Outside of that, being social and positive is going to be the fastest way to fit into the group. The reason we join the group is because we want to be around other people, and nothing is more attractive than a smiling friendly face.

Is Portland, Oregon a good city for single people and dating? Why or why not?
I think Portland is a great city for being single. There are a lot of us out there, and through MeetUp, we can meet most of our relationship needs collectively through the group. In fact, I think dating is a distant second in terms of why people join this group. Most of the people I talk to are just looking for friendships, and this group allows you to be single while enjoying many of the benefits of dating: dinners out, theater, happy hours, hikes, great conversation.
As to whether this is a good city for dating, I’ve heard all kinds of complaints, at least from the over 40 crowd. It depends on what you’re after. As I’ve said, MeetUp let’s you meet a lot of relationship needs without the effort of being in one. With so many divorcees relieved to be out of an unhappy marriage, they’re not so many inclined to do that again, and when you can have so many needs met without being tied to one person, why would you? I think that’s why dating is difficult if your intention is to find a life partner. I’m not sure whether that’s a Portland phenomenon so much as it is an American phenomenon. The sixties began to re-define family, and I think MeetUp is helping us to refine that definition into making us a collective family.

Lisa Daily is the best-selling author of Stop Getting Dumped: All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry “The One” in 3 years or less, How to Date Like a Grown-Up: Everything you need to know to get out there, get lucky or even get married in your 40s, 50s and beyond, Fifteen Minutes of Shame, and the young adult novel Beauty. Her latest book; Is He Cheating? Crack the cheat code and find out right now if he is cheating or not, why he cheats, and what you need to do next will be out on April 9^th, 2012. She writes a dating advice column and has a weekly TV show on the Daytime network where she shares her expertise on love, relationships and romance. She has appeared on more than 700 television and radio shows as a featured guest.

Today, Lisa shares her knowledge and wit with us and offers us a preview of her newest book: Is He Cheating?

You’re in the business of giving dating and relationship advice. How did you get started?
I was always the girl who gave dating advice to my friends, and one year seven of us (out of eight) got married.  We’re all still married, actually and our #8 girl met her fabulous, wonderful husband a few years later.  I’ve been fascinated with how men and women relate to each other and fall in love for all my life, and have spent years studying exactly why and how people fall in love.  Once my girlfriends and I were all happily married, I decided to go from amateur love guru to pro.  I wrote Stop Getting Dumped,  the book became an overnight bestseller and the rest is history.

You have a youtube video describing your story of going from single and depressed to engaged in three weeks.  You threw caution to the wind and went to Europe with him after having only known him a short time. It seems kind of rash, yet it worked out for you—you’re still married. But is this the kind of thing you would advise women to do?
Yes and no.  When I decided to throw caution to the wind and head off to Europe with Tom after only knowing him a few months, I weighed the risks pretty carefully. First, I knew Tom wasn’t an axe murderer or anything.   Also, a couple of things worked out in my favor  – I’d just done a month of freelance gigs, so my bank account was in pretty good shape, and my mom helpfully pointed out that if things didn’t work out in Europe, I could always just come home. Once I made the decision to go, I had two other lucky breaks.  One of my good friends moved to town and offered to sublet my apartment and take care of my cat while I was gone, and my boss told me after I quit that he’d keep my job for me until I got back.  (I never took him up on that offer since Tom and I got engaged in Paris and moved to California shortly after we returned.)

Going to Europe with Tom for four months was one of the most exciting, romantic things I’ve ever done, and it was totally worth it.  That said, it was scary to leave my job, friends, and bank account for an adventure that had a 50/50 chance of not working out.

So here’s what I’d advise other women to do:  If you live your whole life from the safety of your couch you won’t have much of a life.    What I’d say is minimize your risks, make sure you have a back-up plan, and then, be brave and take the leap because you only live once.  You might just have the adventure of your lifetime.
One of the things you advocate in your book Stop Getting Dumped is for women to date three men at once. Really? Who has time for that many dates?
Exactly.  The good thing about dating three men at once is that you don’t have any time mope around with your cell phone, waiting for a guy to call.  The other thing it does is give you a good idea what you want and what you don’t want, and helps to keep you from trying to mold a nice but wrong guy into your vision of Mr. Right.

Of course, the pair and the spare is only for when you’re not in a committed, monogamous relationship.  Once you agree to be exclusive, you have to let your other two guys go.  Also, no sex when dating three guys at once — it makes things a whole lot more complicated.  (Too much to explain here, but I cover the “why” in detail in Stop Getting Dumped)
Tell us about Dreamgirl Academy.
The Dreamgirl Academy is a class I’ve been teaching for several years — basically all the best strategies for meeting Mr. Right packed into one 2-hour class.  I’ve taught the class everywhere from private events to the Learning Annex  to Open U in Minneapolis.  You can be informed of upcoming dates at LisaDaily.com
What are your thoughts on dating sites for meeting a partner?
In general, I think it’s tough to meet someone online.  There are more than 40 million online daters, and it’s tough for people to wade through a gazillion profiles to find a decent match.  I do think many of the niche sites are helpful (there are some cool sites that match you based on your concept of a cool date, politics, music tastes, or Mac affinity) and offer a decent chance to find someone you connect with.
In your book How to Date Like a Grown-Up,  you give advice to women in their 40s, 50s and older about dating. What makes a woman over 40 a great catch?
Women over 40 are more secure, they’re more comfortable with their bodies and with sex, and they don’t usually have as much of an agenda as their younger counterparts.  Also, today’s 40 and 50 year olds are not your grandma’s grandma.
You speak on the topic: 7 Signs Your Guy is Cheating. Can you give us three signs?
1. The biggest sign is a change in sexual behavior — either no sex or different sex.  This usually means he’s getting it somewhere else, or learning it somewhere else.
2. A pre-paid cell phone.  No bill, no evidence.
3. He changes his appearance.    Maybe your guy starts working out after six years of bliss on the couch.  Maybe he has a sudden interest in Armani when nacho cheese-covered Chinos have always been just fine.  From a new gym membership to a new cologne, big appearance changes can mean big trouble.’
4. His feet are pointed away from you when you’re together.  Even when we fake our emotions, our body language leaks them.  When you’re in love, your bodies will line up, heart to heart, toes to toes.  If lately his toes are always pointing at someone else, out the door, or just far away from you, you have reason to worry.

Oops, that’s four.

I actually have a list of more than 40 signs of cheating, including where to look for evidence, and the worst way to stage a confrontation in my new book coming out April 9 — Is He Cheating? Crack the cheat code and find out right now if he is cheating or not, why he cheats, and what you need to do next.

You also write fiction, but even your novel is about love and relationships. 15 minutes of Shame is about America’s leading dating expert who finds out live on the air that her husband is cheating. Are there lessons in 15 minutes of Shame or is it simply entertainment?
There are definitely real-life lessons in Fifteen MInutes of Shame — although it’s pretty entertaining as well.  I was inspired to write the book the week Stop Getting Dumped! was first released.  I was so excited about my brand new book, and I was at this huge booksellers event when my agent and I ran into another agent who happened to rep the authors of a HUGE bestselling dating book.

“How’s it going?” my agent asked.
“It’s been brutal since her divorce,” the other agent replied dramatically.

It was all over the media because the author was not well liked, and a lot of people were happy to see her knocked off he pedestal.

I was horrified.

I had this “there but for the grace…” moment  standing there with my newly printed books, thinking how precarious your life is when you base your career on your relationships.  Because even when we follow our own rules and do everything right, there’s always that wild card — sometimes other people don’t do exactly what you want them to do.

I thought it would make a compelling, funny, romantic and heartfelt novel.  And I’m pretty proud of how Fifteen Minutes of Shame turned out.

Tell us what’s new with Lisa Daily and where we can buy your books and see your TV show.

Hmm, what’s new with me… I have an exciting few months coming up.  We’re in talks for a Fifteen Minutes of Shame movie, which would be a total wildest fantasy come true.   I have two books coming out this spring.  Is He Cheating?  is scheduled to drop on April 9 and I have a new YA novel coming out on May 10 called Beauty, which is the story of  a frumpy teenage girl who wakes up one morning to find she’s suddenly and mysteriously drop-dead gorgeous.  My books are available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other fine booksellers, thanks for asking.  You can always find more about latest releases on www.LisaDaily.com
As for TV, I’ve been the resident love guru on DAYTIME , a nationally-syndicated morning show for six years.  I’m doling out dating advice every Tuesday, check your local listings for time and channel.
 

Emily Morse is the host of the popular podcast Sex with Emily.  She’s just developed a new smartphone app called Kegel Camp and she’s here to talk to us about sex, dating and the importance of kegels for both men and women.  

So, you’re the host of the show Sex with Emily.  How did you become a sex expert?

I’ve always been passionate about understanding sex and relationships so I turned by passion into my profession by launching the podcast Sex With Emily in 2006. Initially the show featured interviews I did with hundreds of experts, real people, and everyone in between about dating and sex. I’ve read hundreds books on human sexuality and I’m currently earning my doctorate in Human Sexuality. I give daily advice and have answered thousands of questions and emails from listeners.

Tell us a bit about your podcast Sex with Emily:

Sex With Emily launched in August 2005 as a podcast and quickly garnered a spot on iTunes’ most downloaded “Top 20 Podcasts”, and has remained there since. Following the underground success of the show, I began hosting the show over traditional radio airwaves on CBS radio in San Francisco. I’m now doing a daily live streaming audio and video podcast and have a television show in development based on Sex With Emily.

Sex With Emily won the 2010 Home-Based 100 Award. The show earned the #1 spot in the Savviest in Social Media category by providing real value and repeatedly giving people a reason to join in dialogue with Emily.

The podcast is both video and audio Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at www.sexwithemily.com (or www.Emilymorse.com – for those offices that block such domains.) Hey, it happens.

Sex With Emily also airs on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on the following channels:

Playboy Radio, Extreme Talk 165, and Stars 104.

It’s goal it to ensure everyone has great sex. If you already have great,  you can always make it better.

What will people get for the paid version of the podcast versus the free Friday show?

The Friends With Benefits version (FWB) -or subscriber based package – includes all 3 shows, on demand as well as Full episodes Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

I receive hundreds of emails from listeners each month asking their most personal sex and relationship questions. I wish I could get to them all, and eventually I will, but when you’re a FWB member, your emails move to the front of the line and you get your questions answered right away. As a Friends With Benefits member I’m like your personal Sex and Relationship coach.

The FWB members get special discounts from our sponsors, multiple chances to win contests each week, monthly video chats where I can interact with my listeners with video and audio.

You’ve developed an app to help people keep their PC muscles in shape called Kegel Camp (love the name!).  Is this your first app?

This is actually my 2^nd app, the first app is called 101 Sex Tips by Sex With Emily

Tell us what the PC muscles are:

The PC muscle or pubococcygeus muscle is often described as a hammock-like muscle, found in both men and women, that stretches from the pubic bone to the tail bone.  This muscle forms the floor of the pelvic cavity and supports the pelvic organs. A strong PC muscle has been linked to many health benefits for men and women. You can strengthen the PC muscle by doing your Kegel exercises.

Why is it important to exercise these muscles?

Exercising the PC muscles will strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and improve the overall sexual health in both men and women.  For women it can help them have longer stronger orgasms, and prevent or control urinary incontinence. For men it can help them with general sexual gratification and being stronger, harder, and lasting longer in bed.

I knew that women could do kegels to improve their orgasms and to prevent incontinence, but I didn’t realize men could do kegels too. Do men and women do kegels differently?

Men and women do Kegel exercises the same way and the muscles are found in the same way.  There’s no glamorous way to explain this: the PC muscles are the ones you use to control the flow of your urine. You know when you stop the flow of your urine because someone is knocking on the bathroom door? And then when the coast is clear you release and start the flow of urine again. Well, these my friends, are your handy Kegel muscles (or technically speaking the pubococcygeus muscles or PC muscles).

The muscles can be found the same way for both men and women. Kegel Camp exercises will teach you how to do Kegels: a series of sessions where you will be tensing and relaxing the muscles at timed intervals. Remember to breathe because our natural tendency is to tense up, and constrict our breathe so remember to keep it flowing.  Also, if you’re tensing your abdominals, your thighs, or your buttox, you’re missing it. So focus on isolating those pee-stopping muscles.

The app Kegel Camp instructs you how to do kegel exercises and runs you through a work out. How often should someone do kegels?

The key is to do it at least once a day. Like any exercise program, it takes time to strengthen you muscles, but you have to be diligent. The key to success is reps and regularity. Once you get the idea, you can do your Kegels almost anywhere: stop lights, elevators, plane rides or while waiting for long downloads

Besides Kegel exercises, are there other exercises people can do to improve their sex lives?

Yes, actual heart thumping exercise can dramatically improve sex lives. Both cardio and muscular endurance exercises also reduce stress which is a major sex drive killer.

Where can we hear your show and get the Kegel Camp app?

You can listen to my show through itunes, on my website www.sexwithemily.com. Plus Sex With Emily also airs on Sirius XM Satellite Radio on the following channels:

Playboy Radio, Extreme Talk 165, and Stars 104.

Emily, you’ve also written a book Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight! Can you give us one tip from your book?

Yes, Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.

Here’s one tip:

“A SOLO SHOW: Who says learning can’t be fun? Mutual masturbation is a great way for lovers to show each other the moves that drive them wild. As you’ve probably already figured out by now, touching yourself feels good, but it can also be a teaching tool. And watching your partner in the throes pleasure will further stoke desire, encouraging you to turn solo adventures into even more gratifying partner exploration”

Liz Langley is the author of “Crazy Little Thing: How Love and Sex Drive Us Mad.”

She is a columnist and reporter for SeXis magazine and her writing has appeared in/on Salon.com, Jezebel, Alternet, Details, Glamour, Bust, Carnal Nation and Gene Simmon’s Tongue. She talks to us about her latest book and the crazy things love makes us do.

Liz, after reading your book, I feel a little better about some of the things I’ve done when under the influence of love. What was the crazy thing you did that caused you to write this book?

I think the craziest thing I’ve ever done when it comes to love is not admit it when I’m in it. I often tried to appear more aloof and self-contained than I really am, which is crazy – if you don’t admit what you need how can you ever get it? But I didn’t recognize that I was doing that for a really long time.

I think part of the reason was because my parents stayed married for billions of years and never seemed happy about it to me – growing up, relationships looked more like something to be endured than enjoyed. I’ve joked that the whole marriage thing looked to me like those tar pits the dinosaurs in Fantasia got stuck in. Terrible, but pretty true. So partly because of that and probably because of other things (it’s never just one thing), like my own uncertainty and autonomy, I had this underlying horror of being attached. Only recently have I started really addressing that and more my own relationship habits that could use some work – so far, so good.

One of the studies you quoted says people fall in love in 1/5 second. Really?

 
I think 1/5th of a second is tantamount to love at first sight, which I believe in. Even if you don’t realize right away what impact this person is going to have on you, you know, at some gut level, that they are different and important and have the potential to change your life. Our subconscious understands things instantly that our conscience is still dorking around with years later. Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink about rapid cognition, addresses this superbly.

What does it mean then, to fall in love? 

In Crazy I talked to two Tantric sex teachers, Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, whose definition of love was “profound interest,” which I thought was a really eloquent way of putting it. I think falling in love is when you become magnetized by the other person and everything they about them – now – is fascinating and alluring. And you have no idea why. The connection is the most real thing you’ve ever experienced and totally ephemeral at the same time – that’s part of the joy of it. “The heart has reasons that reason knows not of,” Pascal said – that’s part of the fun.

Does learning about the chemical reasons we are attracted to others and fall in love take away the romance of it all?

I think it might make it even more romantic, like knowing how to play an instrument or dance can make music even more magical and joyful, or learning how your body works  gives you more appreciation for all the miraculous things that it does. Plus these chemicals are there all the time – why do they only really hit us when certain people come into our lives? That, to me, makes it all the more unique and lovely when it does happen.

Have there been studies about same-sex couples? Do they have the same brain reactions as heterosexual couples regarding love and attraction?

Dr. Helen Fisher, who I interviewed for the book and whose work in this field is so hugely important, said in this interview in The Big Think that there is no difference  – that we have the same brain system for other things, like fear and curiosity, and we experience those things in the same way so there is no reason to think we wouldn’t experience love the same way.

Humans (and bonobos) are the only animals who have sex when we’re not fertile. Why is that?

For fun.

There are a couple of other theories explanations for “concealed ovulation” – that human females don’t show vivid outward signs of fertility and can have sex at any time. In the wonderful book “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Caclida Jetha, they detail both Dr. Fisher’s theory that if the male doesn’t know for sure whether a female is fertile or not he may feel need to stick around and keep trying and also make sure the offspring is his, thus developing a pair bond between mates, while anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy’s theory that if the concealed ovulation successfully confuses the males into not knowing whether they impregnated a specific female or someone else did hat they were less likely to kill offspring that weren’t  theirs and maybe to even provide for them instead.

If it’s all chemical, why do we fall for people who are exactly like our fathers?

Well, the feelings may be chemically based, i.e., if you have a natural stimulant like dopamine racing around in your brain you are going to feel that craving, motivation, desire and energy that it gives you but that doesn’t necessarily motivate who we are attracted to. Sheri Winston, a wonderful author and therapist who I interviewed for Crazy talked to me about Harville Hendrix’s Imago template, which is that we may be trying to find people with characteristics of our primary caregivers – for example if you had a parent who was cold and you experienced a coldness and aloofness as love because that’s how it came to you – through that cold person – then you might grow up and become attracted to people who are cold because that’s how you learned, at that very young age, that love was supposed to feel. So you might not even like how it feels but you might be attracted to it anyway. There are a lot of things happening on that subconscious level – I think we’re not controlling as much as we think we are.

In your book, you tell some pretty crazy love stories and you interview people who do crazy things for love. Is there one story that had bigger impact on you than the others? What was it and why?

The two biggest, in different ways, were Nikki Reynolds and Nina Paley for extremely different reasons.

Nikki’s is a complicated story – very complicated – but the nutshell version is that Nikki dated a boy in high school with whom she had a tumultuous relationship and he broke up with her after two years. She was 17. Feeling that “If I can’t have him no one can,” Nikki was going to kill him but when it seemed her parents would get in the way of her plan to do that she figured she would kill them as well. She stabbed her mother and it was then that she snapped back into reality but by that time it was too late – she called 911 on herself but her mother died of her injuries. At her trial defense psychiatrists testified that Nikki had borderline personality disorder and also that an aspirin overdose that day – she tried to kill herself earlier in the afternoon – may have caused a mini-psychotic episode.

Talking with Nikki – who was 31 when I interviewed her in prison in 2009 – deeply affected me for so many reasons. I often thought “If one thing had gone differently that day, she wouldn’t be there, her mother would be alive, she wouldn’t be in jail living with that guilt, she could be living a nice, free life.” When I would have a bad day I’d think about Nikki and feel like all my problems were so petty compared to the life of someone in jail. She talked about learning, not personalizing things, about having perspective and caring for yourself – enough to not want to end up in a bad situation – and who better to give you perspective on the consequences your actions can have than someone who is living with those consequences? Talking with her really affected me profoundly and I’m grateful for the experience.

Nina Paley effected me in a different way – she is the animator / cartoonist who made the beautiful film Sita Sings the Blues after a terrible break up of a long-term relationship. She was so honest about the depression and grief she went through – and she went through a lot – but she eventually started to focus “on the things that made me want to live versus the things that made me want to die.” She said that when you’re going through the pain and a broken heart “You feel like the most alone person in the world but that is the definition of humanity. That’s what connects us. So all I’ll say is you’re not alone.” I was so moved by that – I nearly tear up every time I read or say it – because we do feel so alone when we suffer heartbreak and it’s critical for us to realize that we’re not so we can find our way back to everyone else. Nina’s emotional intelligence and commitment to her art, her gift, really inspired me when I had problems in my own personal life. She made me want to not let other people down or squander my abilities, so even if I didn’t feel like I wanted to work for myself, I’d do it for my friends and people like Nina, who were so generous with their time and their insight. What kind of a jerk would I be if I let them down?

And I think that’s actually a variation on another of Mark and Patricia’s ideas of what love means which is serving the other person instead of yourself, finding fulfillment through satisfying them. That, I think, isn’t just part of romantic love – that’s love, period.

–
My book is available on Amazon!
Go here: Crazy Little Thing: How Sex and Love Drive Us Mad
also, please check out my blog, Mind Booty & Spirit  – Thanks

Jordan Orleans is a painter and visual artist who produces love, sexuality, and humanity themed pop and abstract art. It’s narrative-based, so he looks to tell a good story with an image and a title.  Jordan Orleans shared with us about his art, his process, the ways in which art and love intersect and how he hopes his art will make the world a better place.

I am reminded of the great Keith Haring in some of your paintings. Who are your artistic influences?

Well, I’m flattered, thanks. Keith Haring was wonderful and it was a tragic loss for us that he died so young. My artistic influences are bits and pieces of different artists, but mostly I have just used some techniques and styles, and mostly by accident. And, the artists I resemble in style some, didn’t use original narratives, like I do, but modified or abstracted existing images. That said, I guess the obvious ones might be Warhol and Picasso. But, hopefully, there’s some Van Gogh, Shakespeare, Lenny Bruce, John Lennon, Harvey Milk and many more in there as well.

You say you make love and humanism art. What do you mean by that?

Well, mostly my art has to do with love, people, the love of people, and people loving. And, hopefully, it somehow contributes to the advancement of humanity and the human condition.

Some of your paintings, like “Soul mates in Bed” feature pink and blue images and then variations with two blue and two pink. Are these meant to convey celebrations of both heterosexual and same-sex love?

Yes, they are meant to celebrate both heterosexual and same-sex love, and that’s a good way of putting it. Though, I’m a little self-conscious about people thinking I may be trying to maneuver them into liking particular images, depending on their preferences, or perceived preferences. I want people to like or dislike what they want, and I’m just offering choices, and possibly suggestions, that’s all.

Do you think that makes your art political?

Yes, I do think that makes my art political. And, I never wanted to be in anyone’s face, even though I’ve always talked the talk, in more of a private manner, though. But now, as an artist displaying his work, I walk the walk, which I hope will benefit people.

You’re a painter and a lot of your images, although of inanimate objects are about love.  Some are rather simple, yet profound. How is it that you’re able to pair such simple objects and yet convey such emotion? 

Thank you for your kind comments. First off, when possible, I try to combine simple objects, as you put it, with complex human themes, in a hybrid pop and abstract way. I often try to draw out an anthropomorphic expression, from an inanimate object. So, the object remains visible, which retains its pop art, but an abstraction comes from when I help it approach human. I try to maintain a balance there, which produces the hybrid effect. I think the emotion comes from the impact and appreciation of that approach (the compound visual expression), the central narrative, the title, and the seeming simplicity of it. I go for as powerful of an expression as possible with minimal approach, and I think people like that and are impressed by that succinctness. Also, I try to be as skillful as possible and that enhances the impression. And, always looking for the magic. If I’m given a gift, I try to recognize it and keep it.

What is your process of painting?

Well, the central idea comes first, and then it cooks in my head for a while. It’s representational, so the basic parts, in colors, are pretty much already there to be assembled, when ready. Then, I chose the appropriate canvas size. Then, it’s aesthetic choices, to get to a finished impression. I usually use models, mostly taken from my own photos, and go for photo-realism, when possible. And, the painting evolves in the process of making it, and can sometimes change dramatically. I go very slowly, working on several paintings at a time, which allows the images to grow slowly, be more manageable, and reduces the potential for mistakes. And, sometimes I still have great challenges making it all work, especially if the narrative changes. I often go through multiple canvases to get one good painting. And, I can publish something and scrap it later for a better image.

Once the idea is firmed up, I put an acrylic base coat or two on a pre-primed canvas. Then, I sketch as much of the image on that canvas as possible. Then, I paint into the sketch with acrylic paints. Then, after the painting is complete, which usually takes about a month, I photograph it and open that photo in graphic design software to develop the image for web and print. I use color replacement tools to pop the image with synthetic, digitized colors, though very similar to the original colors; I try to stay as close to the original color as possible. But, if I can improve it digitally I do so, if I don’t much compromise the original image from the painting. Then, if there is an opportunity to produce multiple images, with different narratives, by changing the color schemes, I do that. Sometimes a painting produces only one image but I have produced as many as 10 from one painting. And, when the painting is completed, I varnish it. I try to think through the entire process, initially, to try to make sure it will all work to completion.

And, the software doesn’t fully capture the image, so that’s a time consuming and pain-staking process, making the digital image look as close as possible to the original painting. it’s almost like I have to do the painting all over again. And, part of the reason I completed the original was that I was too exhausted to go on with it, and now another big piece of it my way, it can be difficult for me. And, then, when that’s done, to size for all purposes and load the images in all the places that they need to be, and all that goes with that. But, it’s gotten smoother over time, which helps some.

Where do your ideas come from?

My ideas usually come from listening to people talk, including my conversations with people, or lyrics in music. Sometimes I get ideas when I’m walking, but, again, I’m usually listening to music on my ipod then. Usually, the end result is to express love or sexual instincts or to convey possible solutions to human problems; sometimes I think of my art as motivational.

One of your paintings that I love is of phone sex. Where did you get the idea for that? 

I got the idea for it from two experiences: one of mine and one of a friend. And, it just came together from that very quickly, in a day.

Is there an intersection between love and art? What is it?

Well, many if not most people love some kind(s) of art. And, if that love is strong enough, the connection intersects. Also, loving well is an art, and that intersects best when our character is hygienic, I think. Also, art can resolve things and there’s love in that, I think. Personally, I believe I became a better person, and more loving, after I became an artist, looking for worthy and redeeming stories to tell.

On your blog, you pair painting with poetry, but then say the poem doesn’t necessarily relate to the image. But I think they blend beautifully. Have you ever considered selling your art and poetry together? 

Well thank you, but it’s not intentional on my part, to connect the visual art with the poetry. The poems come out from Tony Anony’s book in the order he placed them and the images come out of my gallery in the order I placed them. So, if/when there is a connection between the two, it’s coincidental, I think. As far as selling the images and poems together, the images are available as reproductions and the poems are free. Frankly, I use the poetry to promote my visual art, via SEO (Search Engine Optimization). I have to use text for SEO, and could not think of any better text than that poetry. 

Does art make a good gift for a loved one. Why or why not? 

If they want it, it does. If not, no. Does it make a good surprise gift? I can’t say that it does, unless, again, one knows that the receiver is interested in it, and then it can. Art is so personal that the receiver of it must be respected. However, it’s easy for me to gift reproductions, because I made them and people are not so surprised when I give it; it can be sort of promotion. If someone doesn’t want it, I can understand that and they should do whatever they want to with it. But again, my art from one person to another? That can be a tricky proposition and best for people to visit about it first, I think.

Where can people find out more about you and your artwork? 

My website is the main place, I suppose, which is jordanorleans.com. But, my facebook art album is available to everyone too, and there’s some additional, and informal, art of mine there. I like to publish on facebook first because I can get some reaction and feedback from friends and that has been really helpful at times.

The following is a guest post from Stephen Vanderpool.

If you’re spending Valentine’s Day in New York City, you have access to the some of the best day spas in the country. They also happen to be some of the most expensive day spas in the country. But you don’t have to break the bank to indulge in a romantic Manhattan getaway. Here are a few NYC spas offering couple packages on Valentine’s Day.

Faina European Day Spa: Faina is in Midtown West and is a widely acclaimed with mentions in the New York Times, New York Magazine and Vogue. Deemed “Best of CitySearch” three years in a row and “The Best Massages & Facials” by Time Out New York in 2010, Faina offers a broad array of services. They have several specials running this Valentine’s Day:

• Valentine’s Dream: Organic facial, aromatherapy paraffin hand treatment, body massage, pedicure, foot scrub, champagne and chocolate. PRICE: 232
• Romance for Two: Body scrub, steam shower, aromatherapy body massage, champagne and chocolate. PRICE: 326
• Sweet Sensations for Two: Body scrub, aromatherapy body massage, French manicure for her, European pedicure and foot scrub for him, champagne and chocolate. PRICE: 385
• Decadent Duet for Two: European manicure for her, European pedicure for Him, aromatherapy body massage, champagne and chocolate. PRICE: 252
• Couples Massage: Couples Massage: Full European Body Massage, champagne and chocolate. PRICE: 209

Elemur Day Spa 56: Also located in Midtown Manhattan, Elemur Day Spa 56 specializes in body waxing, chemical face peels and Green Peel skin resurfacing. They regularly offer couples spa packages:

• A Game for Two: Sauna, body scrub, wrap, massage with aromatherapy and facial. PRICE: $179/person
• Love Me, Love Me, Say that You Love: Sauna with eucalyptus oil, aromatherapy with hot stones and mini facial. PRICE: $132/person
• Romantic Escape Deluxe: Infrared sauna and aromatherapy with hot stones. PRICE: $119/person

Juvenex Spa: Combining Asian, European and American spa remedies, Juvenex boasts an array of astounding décor, including a 20-ton Jade Igloo Sauna. They only cater to women from 7:00AM to 5:00PM, but from 5 to 7, they open the spa up to couples. Here are their featured couples packages:

• Basic Romantic Couples Getaway: Jade Journey amenities, private soaking tub, hydrotherapy massage and Korean-style scrub. PRICE: 395
• The Enhanced Romantic Couples Getaway: Jade Journey amenities, private soaking tub, hydrotherapy massage, Korean-style scrub, and private massage OR body wrap OR facial. PRICE: 555

Euphoria: Located deep in Tribeca, Euphoria was voted the #1 hair removal specialist by New York Magazine, #1 spray tan by Allure Magazine and Best Mommy Maintenance by Shecky’s. They offer a few great couple packages:

• Kneading Each Other: Learn how to massage each other. PRICE: 260
• His and Hers Heavenly Escape: 90-minute massages with champagne toast. PRICE: 309
• Just Married: 60-minute massages with facials PRICE: 368
• Yoga for Your Dosha: Learn couples yoga practices. PRICE: 68/person

Dorit Baxter: With over 30 years of skin care and wellness-promoting treatments, Dorit Baxter is another Midtown day spa.  They offer two couple package deals:

• Couples Special: 1-hour massage and European facial. PRICE: 298
• Massage Lesson for Couples: Learn how to massage each other. PRICE: 145

Stephen Vanderpool is a writer for NerdWallet | Travel, a blog for travelers on a budget.