Top 25 Best Dating Sites of 2011

Abiola Abrams is a multimedia journalist and relationship expert. She has authored books, plays and advice columns. In addition, she has also been featured on many T.V. shows for NBC, HBO, BET and MTV. Nothing stops this lifestyle passionista. She constantly spreads advice and knowledge to all her fans through her blog … Read More →

          Nole Biderman is the CEO of Avid Life Media, which owns AshleyMadison.com – a website for married people seeking to have an affair. Earning praise and criticism alike, the site currently boast over 11 million members. Biderman has been featured on The Huckabee Show, The View, DatingSite.org, … Read More →

Audrey Melnik is founder and developer of WotWentWrong, a new online venture offering closure and answers for relationships past – and a blueprint for future dating success – directly from one’s former partners.

“WotWentWrong is the breakup app for couples who never really broke up,” said the app’s developer Audrey Melnik.  “Instead, someone just faded away, and the lack of explanation makes it difficult for the other party to move on.  We’re providing a socially acceptable way to tie up the loose ends, learn from what happened and improve your dating Zen for the next relationship – no stalking required.”

   Where in the world did you get the idea for an app that helps people communicate with someone that broke up with them?

I think everyone has, at one time or another, experienced a situation where they think things went well on a date, but didn’t hear from them again.  It’s happened to me; it’s happened to my friends, it’s represented in movies and TV shows often.

I wanted to create a way for people to learn from their mistakes and move on to have successful relationships.  In other aspects of our lives, like our careers, structures are put in place to give us feedback on our working performance so that we can learn and grow.  Why not extend that concept to our love lives?

 When did the app launch and where can people get it? How much does it cost?

The app launched on January 24, 2012.  It’s a web app, so they can find it at wotwentwrong.com.  It’s free to use.

Is it more common, do you think, with internet dating that people just fade away with out giving a reason?

I think that in situations where people have no or few mutual connections in common, they are less likely to be concerned of post-breakup repercussions.  This would be more common in bigger cities, and yes, in online dating scenarios.

How often do you think the breaker-upper actually replies?

As it’s new, we are yet to discover the response rate.

Are men or women more likely to use the app? Why?

I think women are more likely to send feedback requests than men.  Women do tend to want to analyse and figure out mistakes that they have made, and talk about it with their girlfriends.  But I don’t think this trait is exclusive to women.

Before you send the email or text to person who broke up with you, you are asked to rate them on things such as if they are a good kisser, a good dresser or if they’re attractive. The person only gets to see how you rated them if they respond to your questions. Does this work as an incentive?

Time will tell.  But if not, WotWentWrong will learn from its own feedback and try something else!

The date has the opportunity to pick any number of positive feedback and also constructive feedback from pull down menus. What kind of research did you do to get your lists?

Personal experience, peer groups etc.  It’s not meant to be an exhaustive list.  Constructive feedback has an “other” option where people can enter free text in lieu of a predefined reason.  We will be reviewing these reasons regularly to see if new reasons should be added from this list.

I broke up with someone and want to let her know why. Can I use your form without waiting for her to request feedback?

Yes!  WotWentWrong also allows you to send what we call “Unsolicited feedback” whereby you provide the person’s contact details and the feedback and send it to your date.

Breaking up is often a negative experience, but it seems like you’re trying to put a positive spin on it. Why did you take this approach?

I wanted to create a way for people to learn from their mistakes and move on to have successful relationships.  In other aspects of our lives, like our careers, structures are put in place to give us feedback on our working performance so that we can learn and grow.  Why not extend that concept to our love lives?

Maggie Parker has been a freelance photographer for 18 years and has shot everything from contemporary dance, to dogs. Her photos have appeared in numerous publications including Curve magazine and Women’s Business Journal. She shoots on location to capture people in their natural environment. She photographs weddings and commitment ceremonies, children, families and portraits, specializing in online dating site photos. She talks to us about what makes a great Dating Profile Picture.

What makes a good profile picture?

Maggie Parker: A good profile photo is simple, authentic, and interesting. Keep in mind the type of person you want to attract.

Should you smile or not smile?

Smiling and eye contact is still the top recommendations for good profile photos but studies are showing that this isn’t necessarily true. Conversation starters do. Doing something or being somewhere interesting that invites someone to want to know more about you is quite successful. In fact, according to a study done by okcupid, doing something interesting is the #1 reason why photos not only get hit on but also result in dialogue. Are you a rock climber? Gallery buff? Do you like to cook? Where’s that hiking trail? What a beautiful view! I wonder where it is?

I read a recent study that said a face shot isn’t necessarily the best way to attract someone’s attention. What other kinds of photos get attention on dating sites?

Surprisingly enough this is true! Again, doing something interesting wins out.

If you were advising a straight man on his dating photo, what would you suggest?

Some say that smiling directly into the camera is best but studies also show that many women, if the photo is a portrait, they need not be looking into the camera or necessarily smiling. Men with animals are dead on. Also, if you have muscles, show them off!

What would you advise for a straight woman?

Men respond to some cleavage. Oh what a surprise! And looking a little flirty or seductive are appealing to men. Bedroom shots are a little much.

Is posing with a pet a good or bad idea?

A good idea especially for men.

Are there kinds of photos I should not post?

Ones that wouldn’t be considered appealing or pique interest.  Acting silly yes, but stupid or drunk are a no-no.

Any other tips for great profile picture photos?

The key is to present you personality in a variety of photos. We are all more multi-faceted and complex than one photo depicts. Be authentic and real. For example, no photos from 10 years ago. Keep in mind the type of person you want to attract and display activities that you would want someone be attracted to.

Allison Jones is a stylist with years of experience in advertising in New York City and Portland, Oregon. She’s worked in TV and film as a set dresser, wardrobe and prop stylist, set dresser, styling product stills and lay-downs, both in studio and on location for photography and video. Today she give us advice about dressing for dating.

Tell us about our current project What Would Allison Want Me To Wear?

“What Would Allison Want Me To Wear,” came about as a means to share my thoughts and inspirations on style with the world. The blog is a an archive of  fashion happenings, trend reports, (WEAR) to find resource guide for both men and women. Cultural inspirations and visuals that spark the creative soul.

It is a platform of communication to share my styling philosophies and reach an audience who may need assistance with defining their style. I provide individualized personal styling services, working alongside each client so they may realize that style is not something that you buy off a rack or gets hung on a hanger.  Style is “Beauty From The Inside Out!”  I have a unique way of assisting people in defining their own individual style.

Is what we wear on a first date important? Why?

I believe that what someone wears in general says a lot about who that individual is, where they are at in their lives.  A first date holds a little weight, in the sense that you have the opportunity to “make a first impression.” What is the message that you wish to convey in your dress to another individual?

If someone is re-entering the dating world after getting out of a long term relationship, would you recommend a fashion make-over? If so, how does one go about that?

That would be an ideal time to give yourself a style-tune up, put the “S” back in sass as I like to say. It is a wonderful way to nourish yourself and perhaps take the steps to feel a bit lighter emotionally.
Once the dust settles, it would be a wise investment to hire a personal stylist.

If you were to give advice to a woman going on a first date to meet someone for coffee, what would you tell her to wear?

Coffee is a casual setting, so the dress should compliment the activity and the environment. As far as exactly what pieces, well that depends on the individual and their own sense of style. If you are not sure “what” your style is, this is where I come in.

What if the date was at a wine bar?

Meeting at a wine bar you have the opportunity to play it up a little bit. Incorporate a bit more flash through apparel and accessories, play around with prints and textures a bit more. Bump up the shoe selection for the evening to a heel.

What would you advise a man to wear on the above dates?

Style really has nothing to do with gender. I believe that each individual has a certain essence that is all their own and this is where the magic happens. So, for a man, it is figuring out the message that he wishes to convey through his dress. What motivates a man with what he pulls from his closet is different then what motivates a woman.

What if the date is more casual, like a walk in the park? How can someone show off their fashion sense on a date like that?

The jacket is a great form of self-expression, don’t you agree? Wear a smashing looking Topper and you have a great statement piece.

Should you avoid certain colors?

Each individual has colors that they should stay away from. To create harmony and a well-balanced look takes really getting to know yourself. Paying attention to how all of the components involved, garment construction, prints and colors, hair cut and color, make-up…How does it all make you FEEL? It damn well should make you feel like a million bucks and you certainly do not need to spend a million to tap into “it.”

And what about footwear?

Personally, I believe that what you choose to wear on your feet can make or break an over-all look. Push it over the top or leave it sitting by the curb. Quality over quantity is always best.

How would your advice differ for a 20-something, 30-something, 40-something or older?

Not everyone agrees with this statement but it is a part of my styling philosophy.  I firmly stand by Designer Rick Owens- “Working out is modern couture. No outfit is going to make you look or feel as good as having a fit body. Buy less clothing and go to the gym instead.” If you connect with your own personal way of being and create your own style, you can wear just about anything and at any age.   Fashion is something that comes four times a year. Style is what you extrapolate from the fashion. {Know Thy Self:: Dress Thy Self}

http://allisonjonesdesign.com/

Abiola Abrams is a multimedia journalist and relationship expert. She has authored books, plays and advice columns. In addition, she has also been featured on many T.V. shows for NBC, HBO, BET and MTV. Nothing stops this lifestyle passionista. She constantly spreads advice and knowledge to all her fans through her blog and talk show. Abiola’s upcoming book, The Official Bombshell Handbook, will be making it’s way to bookshelves soon! DatingSite.org is lucky to have caught the ever active Abiola Abrams for an interview about life, dating and relationships.

1. How did you get involved in the business of love and relationship advice?

My mess is my message. I firmly believe that we teach what we most need to learn. I have been through it all. I have been in a 10 year relationship, I’ve been in a quickie starter marriage, I have been cheated on and been a mistress. I have many love and empowerment lessons to share.

I’ve spent the last 10 years using media to inspire women. My first professional work when I graduated from college was an off Broadway play that I wrote named “Goddess City” about women searching for personal power. Then I was a correspondent and host for a number of TV shows for NBC, HBO and BET. While I was on BET I started doing an advice column for the urban paper “Rolling Out” and created an advice podcast named The Goddess Factory based on the questions women sent me. In addition to Simon and Schuster publishing my hip hop love story “Dare.” I also directed an award-winning feminist erotica film for women named “Afrodite Superstar.”

While I was hosting a short film competition show for the network BET, VH1 contacted me and told me about their new show “Tough Love.” Since I was always talking about my recent breakup on my BET show, they thought I’d be perfect. I did the show although I had a boyfriend at the time thinking it would be great research for my advice column and a good way to publicize my book. When “Tough Love” began to I was overwhelmed by the response of women who got in touch because they related to my “Miss Picky” character on the show and were in need of real help and relationship advice.

2. You’ve been featured in a great number of magazines and blogs. How did you go about making a name for yourself? What do you offer that no one else does?

To put it most simply, I walk my talk. Because I am a love columnist and lifestyle correspondent, I have been called Carrie Bradshaw meets Oprah Winfrey but I assure you that I am distinctly the loud, brazen, fun, geeky, sexy chick known as Abiola Abrams! (laughs) I have no desire to be anyone else but me.

My approach is about Living With PPHJF, Passion, Pleasure, Happiness, Joy and Fun. Women have a right to pleasure. I offer 3 things that no other dating expert offers.

1. I offer Love Concierge services. This includes virtual and telephone coaching as a Bombshell Mentor, but also Bombshell and Boudoir Makeovers, Wingwoman services, Dating Profile Revamps, Sexy Toy and Lingerie Recommendations and more.

2. My new book is named “The Official Bombshell Handbook” and I teach women how to BYOB, Be Your Own Bombshell. I have a related online course called “Abiola’s Bombshell Academy” and give speeches on empowerment everywhere from colleges to women’s groups.

3. Transparency. Most experts keep their personal snafus to themselves. Thus, you don’t know if the person you’re taking advice from goes home and argues with their spouse all night, is hated by their relatives or what. Through my books, blogs, TV appearances and web series, my readers and viewers know exactly who I am and where I am coming from.

My audience includes women and men of all backgrounds but this is critical for me as an African American Lifestyle Expert. The reason is that there has been an all out media assault against single, black women with outlets from “Nightline” to “Psychology Today” insinuating that black women are less appealing and destined to die alone. I am a curvy, dark-skinned black woman and I have so many men wanting to be my life partner that I am able to be branded with the nickname “Miss Picky.” I am desirable and madly in love with myself and you can be too.

3. What are some of the most common questions you get about relationships and what are the answers?

I host a weekly lifestyle web TV show called “Abiola’s Kiss and Tell TV” which you can watch on YouTube, iTunes or my blog,  Viewers send me love and lifestyle advice questions about everything from what to wear on a first date to how to be a better kisser.

Here are 5 common love advice questions and links to my answers on video:

a- Many women ask, how can I feel better about myself in the bedroom?
Answer link: Bombshell Sex Advice: Make Love Like a Porn Star!? – Abiola’s Bombshell Academy Day #26

b- I am “The Breakup Whisperer” so a question I get a lot is “How Do I Get Over A Breakup?”
Answer link: How to Get Over a Breakup

c- People also ask, “Can I Trust This Person?”
Answer link: Can I Trust HIM or HER Not to Break My Heart? Love Advice

d- Many people ask me for discrete vibrator advice.
Answer Link: Vibrators! How to Introduce Sex Toys to Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend; Abiola’s Advice

e- I also field many advice questions about interracial dating.                                 Answer Link: Interracial Dating Advice With Diane Farr; Kissing Outside the Lines

4. What are some of the common mistakes you see people making that keep them single?

The first mistake is that people think that there is something wrong with being single. Single is not a disease to be cured. If you think that being with you is so miserable, why would anyone else want to spend time in your company?

When you are dating with a sense of desperation you repel instead of attracting what you want.The life that you have right now is a reflection of what you think of yourself. Work on being the best person you can be before even looking for love. If you are looking for the total package, you have to first be the total package.

5. What tips would you give someone who is thinking about joining an online dating site to look for love?

First of all, good for you for taking your relationship destiny in your own hands. Make sure that you have a recent photo, taken within the past few months. You don’t want to show up looking totally unlike the person that you are presenting. Also, answer whatever matching and personality questions that the site asks honestly. Be who you really are, not who you wish you were. I would also advise that you make sure that you are on the correct dating site for the kind of relationship you want. Are you seeking long term love or just a fun fling? There are also great niche sites for everyone from foodies to Christian daters. Only deal with local people to avoid fraudulent profiles. If you need help with creating a profile that gets results, get in touch.

6. On your press page you quote yourself as saying “I use pop culture to remind people to love themselves already…” Can you explain that further? How can pop culture be used to empower people?

I use pop culture as a teaching tool. If Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian or another pop culture figure is making a relationship mistake, then I can use them as an example since people feel like they relate to them. So I’ll write an article as I did for my Yahoo Shine love column called “5 reasons not to get married: Kim Kardashian’s divorce as a cautionary tale.”

7. Inspired by Oprah’s No Phone Zone Pledge, you have started the Cover Your Bone Zone Safe Sex Pledge. You mention in the intro that one of the leading causes of death for women in their 20s and 30s is HIV/AIDS. Why do you think the preventable disease is so prevalent when protection is available?

To put it most simply, having sex without condoms feels spontaneous and more pleasurable. However, having a deadly disease is not pleasurable. It would be hard to come across someone with AIDS, HIV or another sexually transmitted disease who thought that something like that would ever happen to them. The thing is that we are all one decision away from contracting a preventable disease. Be smart and take care of yourself. Safe sex is an act of self-love.

8. How effective has your pledge been? What kind of feedback have you gotten?

The Safe Sex Pledge has been incredibly successful. I have no way of knowing what people do in their individual bedrooms but I’ve gotten great feedback from everyone who has encountered the pledge. This is really important because in addition to being a Teen Dating Empowerment Coach on the MTV docu-series “Made” I give lifestyle advice to younger women with my dating column on a teen site.

The only person who refused to take my Safe Sex Pledge was the rapper Ludacris, and that’s only because he was joking about having his lawyer look over it! (laughs)

9. Lastly, what is your favorite part of your career as a media personality, author, film maker and love adviser?

My favorite part is the people. I love people and their stories. I love giving a voice to the voiceless and shining a spotlight on taboos. I love learning and teaching. This year I interviewed a range of luminaries about love and lifestyle including Kimora Lee Simmons, Ludacris, Barbara Carrellas, Jackie Collins, Kandi Burruss, Anna David, Isaiah Mustafa, Doug E. Doug and Jill Scott. How fabulous to share theories and thoughts about love, lifestyle and radical self-love with such diverse thinkers! I love my job.

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Find more about Abiola Abrams at on twitter @abiolatv, youtube.com/planetabiola, abiolatv.tumblr.com, facebook.com/abiolatv or The Passionista Playbook Blog at AbiolaTV.com.

Sheri and Bob Stritof write the Marriage site on About.com (marriage.about.com).  Since the two of them are experts about relationships and marriage, we figured they’d have some important things to share about dating as well.

How did you meet?

We met at Bob’s home because his sister and I were sorority sisters. Bob was throwing a bachelor’s party for his friend who was getting married the next day. Wanting to avoid all the noise at her home, Donna and I had stopped by the house to get some things so she could spend the night at my house. Bob was feeling no pain, and asked me out on a dare from his best friend. I said yes because I didn’t want to argue with a drunk guy. The next evening he called to say he was running a bit late because of the wedding reception. I was shocked to hear from him and rushed around to get ready for our first date. When people ask us how we met and we say we met at a bachelor’s party, we get odd looks. Then I tell them I jumped out of the cake … and smile.

Sheri and Bob, you’ve been the Guides to marriage on About.com since 1997. Aside from 48 years of marriage, how did you become marriage experts? 

We started working with married couples in 1974 by presenting on Marriage Encounter weekends and Engaged Encounter weekends. Through the years, we were asked to present workshops on relationships and family issues, both to secular and religious groups. We have worked with other folks who worked with marriage experts and we’ve attended many workshops ourselves. We’ve tried to put into practice what we learned from the workshops and going back to college for my Master’s and from others’ mistakes.

You’ve been married for 48 years. Can you tell me about your first date?

Sheri: Our first date was in a downtown Las Vegas casino lounge. It was a very loud environment and we could barely hear what the other was saying.

Bob: It was a rushed event because I had to rush from a wedding reception where I was the best man to meet Sheri on time.

What about one of your favorite date memories?

Sheri: Early in our relationship Bob drove us up to the mountains just north of Las Vegas and we sat in the car and watched for falling stars.

Bob: I remember going to the Flamingo Show Room to see Red Skelton and getting thrown out because Sheri wasn’t old enough to be there. I felt bad for her, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

How did you know that the other was “marriage material?” 

Sheri: Bob had 50% ownership of a house he had built with a friend of his. He seemed ambitious and responsible and he drove a cool Thunderbird. Bob: I wasn’t looking for marriage material … I was looking for a date.

What kinds of advice would you give to someone who is dating with the intention of meeting the person they want to marry? 

Bob: Look for what you have in common and honestly evaluate where you are different. Get beyond the cute little walk, nice figure, etc. and get to know the person behind what originally attracted you physically.

Sheri: Be careful that you don’t stack the deck against a person by expecting this person to meet all your “requirements.”

Why is it important, even for long-term couples and married couples to go out on dates?

Bob: You never finish getting to know one another and need the opportunity to connect without kids around.

Sheri: Every couple needs to keep romance alive and dating one another or having a weekend away provides time for romance and tenderness and hand holding, etc.

You’ve even written the book on marriage. What kind of information will people find The Everything Great Marriage Book?

Bob: Folks will find hints on how to make their marriage work no matter where they are on their journey and information on when it isn’t working and what to do. There’s a lot of information in our book on how to go from having a good marriage to having a great marriage.

Sheri: There is advice for all married couples, both newlyweds and long-term couples, as well as couples who are in their second or third marriages, and for widows.

ExRated.co could be the future of internet dating sites. Let’s say you met someone and were interested in dating them. Wouldn’t it be nice to know how the other people they’ve dated felt about them? That’s the idea behind ExRated.co. Much like Yelp rates restaurants, ExRated rates potential dates. We spoke to founder Tom Padazana about his venture.

Where did you get the idea for the website ExRated.co?

I came up with the idea in the summer of 2010; I was happy, and in a great relationship.  Most of my friends were single, and many were using online dating sites to meet people.  I heard horror stories about meeting people on the internet, and I also heard stories that made me think my friends were misleading themselves about relationship disputes and what they actually wanted from their partner.  They spent hours stalking their “loves” on facebook and trying to figure out what they were up to.  I thought reading other people’s reviews of someone they were dating might help.  Or that by filling out a questionnaire about a person, they might realize she/he wasn’t all that bad in many ways.  By automatically linking people who reviewed the same person, you could save time on facebook.

When did the site go live?  How many users have you seen?

The site went live at the beginning of July, 2011.  Our most recent stats say 2600 unique visitors have generated 10,000 page views.

In order to view profiles, you have to fill out a review yourself. Why did you decide to set the site up this way?

I felt it was a good way to generate membership and comradery.

I checked out some reviews and many of them are really mean-spirited and kind of vulgar. Do you think these types of reviews have much merit?
With any review site, it’s up to the reader to decide if they agree with the writer.  People have different tastes and viewpoints.  We encourage people to write clear and honest reviews that aren’t vulgar.

On the other hand, I was actually surprised at how many positive reviews there are. How are people finding out about you?

There are many positive reviews of exes, as well as positive messages to people letting them know they enjoyed a date.  People are finding out about us mainly through press and twitter.

Has anyone ever contacted you to have their review taken down? How do you handle such requests?

As of today, no one has asked us to remove a review.  If a person disagrees with a review, he/she will first flag the review and file a complaint.  It will then go into dispute, and eventually make its way to our complaint department where it will be decided whether or not to take it down.

There have been critics who call the site nothing more but a venue for cyber bullying. What do you say to that?

Nothing could be farther from the truth.  People who want to bully others on the internet will do so with or without our help.  Our questionnaire and survey questions are heavily weighted towards the positive, and by offering people objective, multiple choice questions, we offer a safe platform for people to voice their opinions and network with others who know the same person.   If someone only writes negative reviews, it says as much about them as it does about who they are reviewing. The truth is, some dating experiences are bad, but that’s an important part of the site – to be warned about the jerks, while being encouraged to date the “good catches”.
The reviews are posted anonymously. Why did you decide to set it up this way?
Facebook is so personal.  It’s nice to have a place where you can be anonymous, don’t you think?  We also feel it allows someone to be more candid with their reviews.

Do you have any future plans for ExRated.co?

Oh yes!!  We are constantly updating the site to make it easier to use, and to give users new ways of interacting with other members.  We just completely changed the look of the site and have another huge upgrade planned for the end of January 2012.

Val Nelson is a career and business coach who also specializes in working with introverts. She helps introverts work with the strengths they have to succeed in business and in their lives. We asked Val Nelson to share with us a bit about introverts and dating. What does an introvert need to know to succeed at dating and what should someone know about dating an introvert.

First of all, what is an introvert?

Introversion is not commonly understood in our extrovert-dominant Western culture. While often confused with shyness or social anxiety, it’s not the same thing.

Introversion and extroversion are psychological terms for describing where you prefer to get your energy. Introverts prefer recharging alone or in a trusted circle. By contrast, extroversion is a preference for recharging in more external ways such as by thinking out loud with others.

One common difference is that introverts like to think before speaking, while extroverts like to speak as a way to think. Neither type is better than the other. Both can be very social, but their interaction styles are different. Introverts and extroverts sometimes have trouble understanding each other, until they understand these differences.

I recommend that both introverts and extroverts learn more about it. I provide some starting places here:

http://www.valnelson.com/introvert

I know you consider yourself to be an introvert. How has acknowledging and owning your introversion helped you succeed in your business and personal life?

Years ago I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and learned I preferred introversion and also learned what that meant. The explanation helped me to see the benefits of introversion instead of focusing on the way our culture tends to judge it. I now make good use of these common introvert traits:

1. Listening before talking.
2. Preference for meaningful conversations over “small talk.”
3. Preference for authenticity over fakeness.
4. Preparing well for times when you want to speak in front of people.

All of those skills help me with my work. I’ve realized those are exactly what is needed for networking, a key skill for any career.

Also I’ve learned to be careful about spending too much time in external activities, to avoid running out of energy. I have chosen a career (coaching) that is primarily focused on one-on-one interactions, with a manageable dose of group interactions and public speaking. I found the right balance for me.

Because I learned about introversion, I know how to educate the people in my life about it and that helps us understand each other and not take things personally.

You offer coaching for introverts, what are some of the things introverts come to you for?

As with any personality, there are common challenges. Introverts are at higher risk of certain pitfalls and they might seek support to overcome those. These are common trouble spots:

• Trouble getting a word in at meetings or social events.
• Avoiding certain social situations, which can lead to social anxiety if not addressed.
• Avoiding networking events despite how critical to their career.
• Feeling unseen and unappreciated.
• Avoiding speaking about their strengths for fear of being seen as bragging.
• Putting on an extrovert mask to fit in, but getting drained as a result.
• “Analysis paralysis” or over-thinking to the point of stuckness.

As a coach, I help people learn how to stretch their comfort zone and to get unstuck. A typical success is that my introverted clients quickly learn how to thrive at and enjoy networking.

What are some things an introvert should consider before dating?

My clients consistently say that simply learning about introversion has been a very freeing experience for them. Self-awareness is very important for successful dating and relationships. Even reading one article can turn on some light bulbs. You’ll find some good options here: http://www.valnelson.com/introvert

Recognize that you have many strengths for getting to know people and forming lasting relationships. Listening, fostering deep conversations, detecting authenticity and fakeness are all important dating and relationship skills.

Don’t try to make yourself be something you’re not, because you’ll attract the wrong person.

It’s OK if you don’t like small talk! For clarity, I’m not suggesting you jump to asking for their life story on the first date. You can have a meaningful conversation without going that far.

Are some kinds of dating situations better for introverts than others? (ie would online dating be better than speed dating?)

Oh, the thought of speed dating makes my skin crawl. I have a feeling that’s the introvert in me talking. I prefer to have one or two meaningful conversations than many brief ones. On the other hand, I know introverts who like the structure of speed dating. Introverts tend to avoid unstructured networking events (for fear of “small talk hell”) and they prefer structured interactions such as what’s possible at a speed dating event.

With online dating, you have some structure, your own pacing, and the opportunity to think before speaking. Seems like a good fit.

Everyone is different. I believe in finding what works for each individual.

What should someone who is not introverted know about dating an introvert?

Learn about introversion, such as using the above link.

A few quick tips for understanding introverts in relationships:

• It’s not about you if they just want a little space.
• Let them think before expecting a response. They prefer more time to form thoughts before speaking. It doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you. So, hush up. If you keep talking, they might not ever get there.
• They might want to leave the party before you. Find ways to make it work for both of you.

Can an introvert and extrovert have a successful relationship? What about two introverts?

Absolutely yes for extrovert-introvert, introvert-introvert, and extrovert-extrovert relationships.

Every relationship involves people having differences and therefore there will be challenges. The key is to learn about each other’s unique qualities rather than judge them.

In my own experience, I admit I’ve been just as annoyed by introverts as by extroverts. Even as an introvert myself, I have my moments of being frustrated by an introvert’s need for space. P.S., extroverts need space too.

About Val Nelson

Val Nelson is a coach who specializes in helping introverts find clarity and confidence so they can make their mark on the world. She also offers workshops in-person and online. While based in Massachusetts, her clients can be anywhere thanks to the phone. More details and Val’s blog: www.valnelson.com

Bonny Albo is a freelance writer and Dating Guide on About.com. About.com is a New York Times company with more than 900 topic sites. Bonny has hosted the dating site since 2007 and has published hundreds of articles about dating and is also a sought-after public speaker. She spent a few moments talking to us about dating.about.com.

Bonny, how did you becoming the dating expert on About.com?

I started writing about relationships at a young age, when I was still in high school, although I didn’t take the work seriously until much later when I was on my own. I steadily published a few creative nonfiction pieces here and there about dating and relationships, blogged about my own dating experiences, and worked as the Managing Editor at Suite 101 for Family Topics and Online Dating for a number of years, yet even then I didn’t consider myself an expert. I was just doing something I loved, and writing about my own experiences in a way that (I hoped) helped other singles.

I was working part time as a temp, trying to get my freelance writing life off the ground when I lost my job suddenly. In a panic, I cried to a friend, “How am I going to pay the rent?” and he wisely said, “Well, what do you have to do every day? Figure out a way to make money doing that.” Within days and through several online freelancing sites, I had several projects lined up and was able to pay the bills. Almost all of my projects focused on dating and relationships, including numerous ghostwritten books and eBooks.

Fast forward a few years later, and a fellow freelance writer mentioned in an online forum that she’d just been hired on as a Guide with About.com. I immediately went to BeAGuide.About.com to see if the Dating topic was available, and it was. I’d applied several years before for the same position but never made it past the initial application process, but I had faith this time that I’d amassed enough experience and bylines that this time it would be different. Several weeks later I received word that I was accepted into Prep (then a 17-day process where writers create content and a structure for the site alongside other, anonymous writers, in an attempt to win the contract). A few months later I was offered a contract, and the site went live with me as the Guide to Dating in July of 2007.

Who is the typical visitor to your site?

The majority of my readers are in their teens and early twenties, although there are a significant number of divorcees looking to date again that frequent the site too. There’s also another larger group of seniors wanting to date for the first time, or at least learn what dating really means in today’s society, as opposed to when they were young adults.

What are some of your most popular articles?

My readers love the quizzes, which span the gamut from figuring out if the person they have a crush on is interested, to determining if their relationship is based on lust or love. The dating advice articles and dating site reviews aren’t far behind though.

Do you find that men and women are looking for different information about dating?

I find the differences lie more in where a person is at in their life than their gender, sexual orientation or even age. If you’re in a sowing the wild oats phase, the advice I’d give would differ greatly than if I were speaking to someone who was looking for a long term, committed relationship. For instance, one blog post I wrote years ago asking what teenage boys want in a relationship still gets lots of responses even now, and has a variety of answers from teens that show several different answers to the same question, backing up the research presented in the post that sex isn’t the most important factor for teen boys.

Where do you get your story ideas from?

I get hundreds of emails from readers every day, asking for advice and sharing their experiences. Usually I don’t have enough time to answer people directly, but if I find the question has a larger audience, I’ll write an article about it and then send them a note letting them know I’ve tried to address their question. I also get ideas from television shows and movies, people on the street, my friends and family, books I’ve read, PR folks who send me information about their dating site or dating-related product, and dating-related research. I also look at what my readers search for on the site and will use that as a starting place for content as well.

I notice you have a dating bootcamp. What’s involved in that?

I’ve just started the bootcamp, which will span approximately 100 days for those who subscribe to the eCourse, although singles can follow along at their own pace and take the program as fast or slow as they’d like. Each day I talk about a specific dating-related topic, and then I encourage the participants to journal about what they’ve learned and what they need to or work on for the day. I’ve tried to create each day as a cohesive unit, and it shouldn’t take more than 20 or 30 minutes for people to work through each day’s readings. The boot camp starts with about 30 days of centering-type information, basically focusing on ourselves, where we’re at, and healing any sort of past grief and pain from other relationships. Then we move on to the exploring phase for another 30 days, where we start meeting new people and testing the waters. The last 30 or so days focus on connecting and loving, and working through any issues that may crop up when we start dating someone new and potentially moving into a longer-term relationship.

What have been some highlights of your time writing for About.com?

A week doesn’t go by where someone in the dating world that I’ve idolized, read, or watched doesn’t contact me, asking me to work with them, speak at an event or review something they’ve created. My greatest joy however is hearing that I’ve helped a reader tackle something that’s bothering them about their dating life. I have a folder in my office called my “feel good file,” and I’ve got hundreds of thank-yous, date requests and wedding invitations in there. My readers make this job memorable, and I’m grateful for every single one.

Bill and Ryan (Bill pictured right and Ryan pictured left) started the dating site 100 Red Flags as a way to help men, but also to give women an idea of the kinds of red flags men look out for.  Started by friends Bill N. and Ryan L., 100 Red Flags is always looking to hear from people about what their red flags are. The top 100 will make it into their book. Check them out at http://100redflags.com/.

1. Tell me where you got the idea of a dating blog called 100 Red Flags?

Ryan and I were sitting in a bar with some friends. Although it wasn’t just any bar. It was one of the better beer gardens in Chicago, and perhaps even the world.  One of those Belgian beer spots with over 300 beers on tap, picnic tables lining the garden, etc. So as we were sitting at the bar, a girl comes up (good looking) and places her order – a martini. Three olives. Upon walking away one of our friends says “that’s a red flag”…and so the conversation went. We all through out our own red flags. We asked random people in the bar what they thought. And the reaction was absolutely priceless as women are immediately defensive and guys get it. After many conversations over the following months we found that women really had no idea what guys thought would be red flags. It was then that we needed to do something about that.

2. Tell me a bit about your dating history and why you feel the need to warn men about women’s red flags.

Ryan is engaged to a beautiful, smart, fun girl. They have one of those relationships that single people should follow. Before he started dating her, Ryan dated women from all over the world, as he spent some time in Brazil, is originally from Texas, and worked for a global organization. My dating history also includes some international spice, as I studied abroad in Australia and dated a girl over there for a few months. I’ve always “dated” but only had one serious relationship, which lasted about a year and half.

Regarding us warning men…we actually think women can benefit just as much, if not more than men from this site, and ultimately our book. Regardless of what we write, the majority of guys may look past these things in the short term, for no reason other than – to put it bluntly – he wants to get laid. Taking inventory of these things, though, is important for guys.

For women, though, they need to wake up and smell the roses. We know too many girls that are focused on what to avoid in a guy, when really they need to start looking inward. They are clueless when it comes to what turns a guy off, and someone needs to tell them.

3. Some of your red flags are a bit arbitrary, like “She’s run more than one marathon,” or “She’s never smoked pot.” How serious are you about these warnings?

We’re dead serious. What you need to keep in mind is that some of these won’t necessarily apply if you actually know the person. For instance, I have a good friend that I’d consider dating. She’s run like 10 marathons. That’s fucking nuts, but I know her personality. I know her lifestyle. But if she went out on a first date with some guy, or a second date, he wouldn’t have that knowledge. He could very well judge her to be a certain way. Like it or not, we all judge. So unless she can show enough other things to make him realize she’s not a psycho running chick, she’ll never get that second or third date. But they could have been perfect for each other. If she had the awareness of the red flag, she could either (1) wait to bring it up, or (2) ensure that the deeper meaning behind the red flag was dispelled. She could talk about running but also make sure to talk about how she loves to chill on the couch, participate in other sports, and sleep in. She would have never known that unless she read 100 Red Flags.

4. Can you ever overlook a red flag or are they just something to keep in the back of your head as you get to know someone better?

From a guy’s perspective, these flags often get overlooked. If I would have paid attention to the fact that this girl I dated for a few months didn’t say thank you when a stranger opened the door for her, I would have realized earlier that she was too unaware and unappreciative of those around her – which is a dealbreaker. And each red flag holds different weight for different guys. In an ideal scenario, the right thing to do is to file these things away in the back of your head before you make a judgment. Unfortunately, though, we guys don’t have the time and money to waste to get to know someone. If enough red flags present themselves, it’s better to let your assumptions trump letting someone prove you wrong.

5. One of your most controversial posts is “#31 she carries condoms in her purse.” Women are pretty upset with this because it sets up a pretty sexist double-standard. Defend yourself.

Sure. And frankly, any time the “double standard” card is played, I laugh. I’m pretty sure women made that term up circa 1985 in order to gain more power. But again, we’re not claiming that a condoms-in-the-purse girl is undatebable. We’re simply saying that if you’re carrying condoms in your purse, there’s a possibility that you’re more promiscuous than we’d like you to be. Examine this scenario, for a moment. A guy starts casually dating a couple girls. He has a pretty good time with both, and then another one enters into the mix. Juggling three is tough, so he has to make a decision. Of the two original girls, both seem nice, both slept with him within the first two dates, and both seem to have long-term potential. But the one girl – who may or may not have been “promiscuous” – busted out her own condoms when they were in need, whereas a 7-11 trip was required for the other girl. Points for no disease, but what enters into our minds’ is “this chick may be a slut”. Exit that woman, enter the new woman, and looking back it could be that a really nice girl was let go. The decision wouldn’t be based solely on that…it would just have been a data point in the decision-making process.

6. How many of these red flags have you actually dated?

We’ve dated almost all of these. “Dated”, of course, meaning at least having gone out on an actual date with a girl. For those that we haven’t dated, we have friends that have experiences them, and have also been talking about red flags throughout the country in our personal travels so have had some contributions from others. And, we actually want to hear from people out there as well. Most of the red flags we’ll continue to talk about are not only from us, but from others, so we encourage people to keep submitting their own for our consideration.

7. What are you going to do when you get more than 100 posts?

We’re kicking around a few different ideas. If we didn’t put a limit on it we would probably be very old, very decrepit, and very weird people by the time we were in our 40s or 50s. Our resume would be pathetic. At some point, then, we’ll have people vote on which red flags are the “biggest” red flags. Those that are voted as the biggest will make our book of 100 Red Flags, and we’ll make sure the women out there know that a laughing matter can also improve their success in dating.

Nole Biderm
High Quality Photo

Nole Biderman is the CEO of Avid Life Media, which owns AshleyMadison.com – a website for married people seeking to have an affair. Earning praise and criticism alike, the site currently boast over 11 million members. Biderman has been featured on The Huckabee Show, The View, DatingSite.org, The Tyra Banks Show and many others.

What gave you the idea to start Ashley Madison?

I started Ashleymadison.com in 2002 after reading a study citing that 30% of men on traditional dating sites were married and lying to the women about it. I saw there was a demand for a service where people could be honest with each other about their marital status and find like-minded people in similar situations.

Image from AshleyMadion Blog

There are a few other affair websites out there, but yours seems to be the one that received all the publicity – good and bad. What is it that makes Ashley Madison unique among other avenues people use to have affairs?

We invented the vertical. Comparing impostor sites to Ashleymadison is like comparing a karaoke singer to Dianna Ross. Our depth of products from our credit model, fantasy date, iPhone app, panic button and complete delete were designed over a decade-long effort thinking about how to help our users avoid digital lipstick and through millions of dollars in investment.

What are some of the most surprising positive and negative comments you have received in regards to your site?

I receive thank you letters daily from people who tell me that this service has saved their marriage. On the negative side, we receive a lot of criticism, but in many cases the loudest critics are protesting too much to hide their own true feelings. Right-wing politicians espouse family values and invariably get caught up in cheating scandals of their own.

Image from AshleyMadison Blog

What types of people tend to be attracted to your site? Can you describe a ‘perfect candidate’ for your site?

Infidelity is something that spans all walks of life. Our members are tired of living in sexless marriages, but they also realize that sex is not everything. They aren’t looking to change their marital situation, but they are human beings with human desires.

Do you feel like you are encouraging affairs? Why or why not?

No. Infidelity existed before Ashleymadison.com, and it will continue long after we are gone. A 30 second commercial is not going to convince someone to cheat. I just give them a platform to do so safely, an alternative to a risky office romance or a messy affair with someone who doesn’t understand.

Image from AshleyMadison Blog

I watched you on The Huckabee Show where you described you site as a marriage preservation tool for some people. Can you describe this concept further? Just how can this save a marriage?

Marriage is about more than just sex. If you ask most married people, sex is not the most important thing in their marriage. It’s not number two or number three either. We’re a marriage preservation tool because we give people an outlet to fulfill their natural, human desires while remaining in their relationship. Should parents have to sacrifice their marriage in order to have their sexual needs met?

Why do people feel the need to have an affair?

Everyone’s reason for having an affair are their own. The typical Ashleymadison.com member is content in their marriage in all areas but sexually. They don’t want to leave their marriage, but they don’t want to spend the next few decades abstinent either.

What advice do you have for a married person who is thinking about having an affair?

I think people should exhaust all avenues with their spouse first, but if they are not willing to communicate or compromise, it is unrealistic to expect them to give up their sex lives because of another person’s decision.

See the full fact sheet about infidelity at the Ashley Madison Blog